Recommended listening to accompany this article: Do it (‘til you’re satisfied) by BT Express. Bonus: Man in the glass covered by James Brown.
If I’d listened to my high school principal who said I wouldn’t survive in college, I never would have ended up in graduate school. If I listened to my anxiety I would not have posted on here and met so many wonderful people (including you, dear reader). If I listed to my perfectionist tendencies, I would not have come close to “finishing” this article and publishing it. But fortunately as I’ve gotten older I’ve begun listening to my childhood self instead—the one who wrote for the love of it, who made messy paintings and drawings, and the slightly older version who made all kinds of crafts and unabashedly wrote long letters for friends. Somewhere along the way, rejection, a need to perform near perfectly, and what I’ll just bundle into “trauma” for now cased me to lose bury that version of me who created for the love of it, and loved people for no other reason than because it felt right. But now I’m fighting back. As cliched as it sounds, I’m fighting for that inner child who just wanted to feel and create.
“…the preservation of your inner child is um responsible for dictating how long you live. Um because there are certain things that your childlike self would like and expects and would like to see and would be excited about. You still maintaining that and being able to foster that as you increase in years is just super helpful”
- Katt Williams1
The writing on here is part of my fight to rekindle that fearless creation I once had. And it’s a way to explore and revise and channel some of my deepest thoughts. And, perhaps above all, it’s an outlet for me that doesn’t require perfection because, at the end of the day, it’s technically just a hobby that I can fail at. And here’s a lesson that I hope everyone has learned or can take away from this piece:
YOU CAN BE ‘BAD’ AT SOMETHING AND STILL ENJOY IT!!! And besides, getting good requires being bad first. Don’t be afraid that you aren’t good enough, whatever that means.
I realized that for a long time I would make all kinds of plans about how to do something or learning about how to do it, but then when it came down to it I almost never got around to doing the thing itself2… I have been determined to change that, and to do things before I feel prepared or am all but certain it won’t turn out as well as I hoped. I’ve been taking a drawing class over the last few weeks because I
Despite achieving a lot, I still find ways that I sabotage and second guess myself many times per day. The internal monologue of “will I be emotionally ok if someone tells me they hate my writing” or “this isn’t good enough” or “what if I’m wasting readers’ time” still rears its ugly head far too often. And honestly it still wins sometimes and causes me to stop writing (or doing something else I love) out of fear. Ultimately I’m hopeful that my love of creating and connecting and maybe, just maybe, helping someone else through my words or art will continue to persevere and overcome the doubts at least most of the time.
People know just what they'd like to do
Whatever it is, you've got it, 'long as it pleases you
Make it last as long as you can
And when you're through, it's up to you to try it again
- lyrics from BT Express’s Do it (‘til You’re Satisfied)
While not as prominent as the quote above, some of my favorite lyrics from “Do it ‘til you’re satisfied” are “do it slow” and “do it some more.”
I am sick and tired of the optimization culture where everything has to serve some end goal that makes you money or it’s not worth your time. No! That’s wrong! I will create because I must, because my being requires it, because I can and I want to. I will keep trying things because that will always be better than refusing to because I’m afraid I won’t magically create some great thing. I’m doing the things I love even though it requires slowing down. And I will certainly be doing them some more.
NO MORE I am telling myself. No more rejecting that gentle but wise feeling in the deepest part of my being. No more perfectionism. No more telling myself that I shouldn’t put things out into the world; I do not need to reject my own work as insufficient, I will leave the criticism to everyone else.
The header image for this piece is a drawing I did a couple nights ago. I am taking a drawing class and for practice I decided to do a (roughly) master copy of van Gogh’s “The road to Tarascon with a Man Walking.”3 There are certainly lots of imperfections in shape and value and my own experimentation with textures, not to mention that it’s a different medium, BUT I had SO MUCH FUN. And I felt like I got a tiny glimpse into how he saw the world and converted it into works of art. And no matter how well or poorly it turned out, I am beyond grateful that I actually did it instead of obsessing over imperfections or watching 10 YouTube videos on sketching instead of actually letting my pencil touch the paper.
I hope you will join me in that. I hope you realize that creating things is always worth it, no matter how long it takes or how it turns out. Create for yourself, create for others, create because you can’t help it. And if you ever need encouragement, I will gladly hype you up. Everything you make is meaningful and unique and wonderful, as are you.
ily and thank you for reading this somewhat rambling piece and THANK YOU for EXISTING and putting yourself and your creations out into the world <3333
https://youtu.be/ko0nSXHQPQ4?si=1xJZ7rogl7eJ94Xb&t=1370
Some of this has to do with my neurotype for sure, but it was going beyond that
https://www.pubhist.com/w7311
yes yes yes I try to remind myself of this every day and it's nice to hear it in someone else's words!! love this and love your Van Gogh sketch 💓